In-Flight Safety Cards

The following are important safety features of the Airtoons Airboat A740 web site. Take these safety cards to heart and quit ignoring my flight attendants!

  • Urinating in the ocean is not polite.
  • Nailed the dismount.
  • Fart masks will be deployed in the event of unexpected flatulence.
  • Look under our seats for a world of change!
  • Old electronics are bad news.
  • Water-powered lighters have a 100% failure rate.
  • Twinning is not permitted on this flight.
  • Try to aim for the toilet please.
  • Gotta hang on to something!
  • This may also lead to severe back pain.
  • Yummy red licorice for those boring water-treading times.
  • To ensure an expedited evacuation, please limit thumb wrestling matches to two minutes each.
  • I spy... something blue!
  • See Jake enjoy the fun slide.
  • Should you spot a house fly you must sneak up behind it as slow as humanly possible.
  • ...Although muff rubbing definately is.
  • Life vest fashion statement.
  • BabyStick(tm)
  • Our AirCondoms feature SemenSuck™ technology.
  • Dwarves need oxygen too.
  • What's that?! It's Pat.
  • Seamstress.
  • Concentrate. Don't let it get to you.
  • Purple flour plant workers.
  • Industrial-strength too! Holds up to four times the assweight of competing suspenders.
  • Rolled up money not included.
  • BEWARE THE FLOATING RED X!
  • We have a strict no-80's-hair policy. By boarding this aircraft you agree to these terms.
  • SHUT THE DOOR ALL THE WAY, OKAY?!
  • If you hear a hissing sound, back slowly away from the edge of the raft.
  • Can I get a woo woo?
  • THIS IS NOT AN EXIT. (?)
  • THIS IS A SMUT-FREE AIRLINE!
  • Oh heavens, excuse me! I must have passed gas!
  • Remember when JNCO jeans used to be cool?
  • HIeeee-YA! Judo CHOP! Get outta my way, bitches!
  • Floatation ouch!
  • 25 CENT PEEP SHOWS!
  • Whip it good!
  • Rusty makes a break for the exit carrying the Purple Magicman's Bag of Tricks!
  • Village People groupies love flying the friendly skies.
  • Synchronized Airplane Exiting: The latest addition to the Summer Olympic Games.
  • No smoking oversized white bandana-wearing cigarettes!
  • Beware of SHE-HULK!
  • SHE-HULK vs. Bryant Gumbel.
  • Wave to the fish. They get lonely.
  • Be Wireless. But dont be cheap.
  • VIOLET-SWEATERED MOMS GET OXYGEN DIBS!
  • If you open the door mid-flight, your ass is outta here.
  • Look at your shoes! Why can't you just wear normal brown ones like me?!
  • If you sit on your watch it will probably break.
  • Peer pressure will not be tolerated.
  • Free mechanical bananas can be found within floating tents.
  • Be sure to slip into your blue 70s wet suit before a water landing.
  • Please be aware that concrete DOES NOT float.
  • Fantastic Dan may decide to give you a pat or two on the behind.
  • Mask protects against eggs falling from ceiling.
  • If you can't figure out how to open the emergency exit, you were doomed from the start.
  • Passengers with extensive wax buildup will be forced to leave the aircraft.
  • It's ok to exit on the wing if the line exiting the plane is going too slow.

Additional Govermental Safety Measures

In the event of a nuclear attack, carefully heed these additional warnings!

  • Drive in reverse into the explosion to avoid facial burn.
  • Your car will notify you if it is horny.
  • Listen to the sounds of the 70's on your 70's stereo.
  • This is the recommended way to destroy old computer equipment.
  • Don't let filing cabinets to team up and sexually harass you.
  • The window can't tell you what to do. Who does it think it is?
  • Let the boombox play as you enjoy your day in every way.
  • Do not use elevators if they look dumb.
  • After using a public phone, wash up.
  • Don't bet on bird vs. fish fights. Because come on, 3 fish vs. one bird?
  • If you see a biohazard sign, keep on trucking, man.
  • What a messed up dream.
  • The dwarf sanctuary entrance may be smaller than normal entrances.
  • Don't run from fire, you're pretty much screwed at that point.
  • Staring at the wall can cause radioactive harm to your person.
  • Actually, you have 5 minutes and 12 seconds left to live.
  • Car would crash into house, but house would stand victorious.
  • Do not be afraid to backhand someone if they come in without knocking first.
  • Texas is radioactive and it's big and ugly and weird.
  • The pilot episode for Superman didn't take off because of his crawl-fly style
  • YARRR gimme your money, I'm captain blue bandit.
  • Get consent before mounting, otherwise things could go awry.
  • To dislocate your shoulder, hit it up against the door REALLY HARD.

Fun Flight Facts

On average, the human body loses about 50 ounces of water on a 3-hour flight!

What are Airtoons?

Parodied airline safety cards!

During my college years I was sitting on a flight somewhere when I realized that the safety cards in front of me had no captions, which I thought was weird. The pictures sure were weird too.

I thought to myself, "Is that fellow eating red licorice from his life jacket?!" So I decided to add some captions to the emergency evacuation instruction placards that everyone who flies the friendly skies is familiar with. After showing them to my friends, the tallest one suggested that I build a site housing said funny pictures.

So I did!

Oh, don't forget to check out today's picture of the day too! Make love!

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